


The sharp knife of a short life (Well I've had just enough time)

by BinBingBong



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23477782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BinBingBong/pseuds/BinBingBong
Summary: 5 years had passed since they got married, and four since Hakyeon was called to serve in the war.
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon | N/Jung Taekwoon | Leo
Kudos: 14





	The sharp knife of a short life (Well I've had just enough time)

**Author's Note:**

> this was something I wrote in trying times and put the finishing touches today (bc quarantine made me creative). it's based on a true story; although altered to pass as fiction.  
> there's a Major character death warning so proceed with caution.  
> thank you for reading. since ao3 isn't counting guest hits or kudos, I hope you guys support writers by logging in and leaving a comment or kudos.  
> stay safe and stay indoors.

Taekwoon took along sigh as he put down the framed photo, brushing his knuckles softly over it one last time. He glanced around the room, it was the same as he left it, albeit a little dusty but it still held all the warmth and memories they made here together.

It hurt being here, all the memories flooding in, overwhelming him, it hurt more than it did on usual days. They did start everything here together after all. Everything started and ended here. Sometimes Taekwoon wondered if they were lucky if they weren’t separated, ripped apart from each other because of this senseless war, where would they be now today. Hakyeon had so many dreams, so many hopes and things he wanted to do together,

He stood there, in the dreading silence, the echoes of Hakyeon’s sweet honey voice echoed, reminisce of the past; happily chipper, talking about how he wanted to get a new flower pot for a certain corner or how he thought they shouldn’t hire someone to paint the walls because it would be fun to do together. Taekwoon didn’t smile, those memories no longer brought him happiness, and they only brought him pain.

How could he be happy…? Hakyeon wasn’t coming back. Taekwoon had come to terms with it 4 years ago. Those memories were just hollow shells, empty without Hakyeon. Yet, Taekwoon would give his life and more to live them again.

He glanced around the rooms once again; he did come here every few months, to remember, even if it hurt... He came here to hurt and remember.. he came here so he would remember him, so he couldn’t move on. Hakyeon was his only… it would stay that way.

\---

It was a spring day when Hakyeon proposed to him. Taekwoon didn’t see it coming, but then again he never knew with Hakyeon, somehow he always managed to surprise him… just like that day.

6th of April 2012.

They had decided to take a walk, in the park because the flowers were beautiful at the time of the season and Hakyeon lived for flowers.

When Hakyeon got down on one knee, inside the flower circle and fairy lights the older had somehow set up, the sun almost about to set, and the sky was a beautiful shade of pink… but the blush on Hakyeon’s face was even a more beautiful shade of pink. Taekwoon thought at that moment- even surrounded by thousands of roses and cherry blossoms, Hakyeon was still the most beautiful thing he’d ever laid eyes on.

He had always thought he would be the one to get down on his knee but he didn’t have the thoughts for after, they were still fresh out of college, 22 and barely clinging to their jobs. Comfortably still, they had a stable living. They lived in the same apartment they lived together through college, but that wasn’t special even. They knew each other since they were 8, they already lived together when they fell in love and in the same shabby apartment they hosted their engagement party. With 8 people in total as guests, a huge cake and expensive wine they didn’t buy themselves.

But soon, they moved out; bought a house in a small town to call their own, a garden Hakyeon cherished with his everything, a rooftop they would sit together on until they were shivering in cold and sleepy.

They were 24 when Taekwoon got down on his knee. No rings, they already wore those every single second. Instead, he held Hakyeon’s hand and asked him to marry him. Hakyeon’s eyes shinned with tears but his smile never faded. Not when Taekwoon kissed him and promised him everything and all of him. His smile grew even brighter on the day he walked down the aisle, his beautiful hands holding Taekwoon’s.

His smile didn’t fade as he cried; hugging Taekwoon when they finished their vows, his smile didn’t fade as he kissed Taekwoon so gentle and soft, sweet and chaste.

At that moment, Taekwoon knew he was holding the whole universe in his hands and he smiled. It didn’t fade for a single second the rest of the night.

Taekwoon doesn’t remember a time when Hakyeon wasn’t smiling when he wasn’t happy. He doesn’t remember a single time Hakyeon cried after their wedding, Taekwoon vowed to never make him cry, never let him be sad. He kept that promise at the expense of everything.

But a year after their marriage, they got a notice. And so both their smiles faded.

Hakyeon was chosen, along with the 50 thousand others to serve in the war. It was random, chosen without any pattern and there was nothing Taekwoon could do to stop Hakyeon from going, nothing he could do to keep him with him, nothing he could do to stay with Hakyeon. He tried, after every other option failed, to enlist with him, that way he could be with Hakyeon, even if it was on the battlefield.

They rejected him, he wasn’t fit enough. And the depression and panic attacks Taekwoon hadn’t experienced in years, they came back. He was weak and Hakyeon would be alone out there, on the merciless warzone. But Hakyeon still smiled a sad broken little smiled, caressed Taekwoon’s damp face when Taekwoon held his hands and told him _there was nothing you can do, it’s not your fault_ and _I’ll be at ease knowing you're safe_. At the time he didn’t know it would be the last night he ever got to hold him if he did; he would have held even tighter

They said he would come back, the war won’t last long, he will be relieved and they would pick more to replace the ones they sent. But it never happened, Hakyeon like the amazing man he was, got promoted over the year until he was at a post that he couldn’t leave. A post they wouldn’t let him leave from. He wrote, to Taekwoon, every month for a year until he disappeared without a word for 7 months. Taekwoon stayed awake every night, thinking the worse, crying and praying, helpless and weak as he cried, remembering the warm smile and the cold spot in his bed.

Then one day, Hongbin came back, discharged and he brought back a long letter… from Hakyeon. Taekwoon cried reading it every night again and again for months. Thinking about how hurt Hakyeon must have been when he was shot in his leg, how painful it must have been but he thanked a god he didn’t believe in that he was alive and recovered now. That was a huge thing in itself and it pained him every time he looked at Hongbin. The bright and energetic kid that he once was now confined to a chair yet he still smiled, beautiful as always and assured Taekwoon when he was doubting, that Hakyeon is okay and that he’s doing well, how he’s a force of nature in the battlefield. Hongbin told him stories and when he said Taekwoon would be proud of Hakyeon if he saw him now, Taekwoon didn’t doubt it for a second.

But soon the letters sopped coming and for the next two years, there were only three times Hakyeon’s letter reached him. Taekwoon wrote him back every month. But he knew his letters weren’t all reaching his love, just like how Hakyeon’s couldn’t reach him most months.

Yet he still kept writing without a gap, just like he knew Hakyeon did.

And just like that, four years passed by and Taekwoon started to forget how beautiful Hakyeon looked when he smiled, how he looked when he laughed, how sweet his lips were when he kissed Taekwoon. So many memories started to fade, except for the love Taekwoon had for his husband and the pain, still raw as the first day on bad nights…

So it started getting too much and against his protest, Wonshik forced him to leave their house, Taekwoon knew it was for the best but he still hated Wonshik, for taking him away from the last string that tied him to the memories…  
  


He moved into a small apartment in the city. He found a small job in the café downstairs that helped ground him to reality, as he tried to build some semblance of normalcy. He started to let his friends in, go out with them and talk with more people. Wonshik lived on the floor above Taekwoon, and the younger always made sure to visit him least once a day, subtly checking upon him. Taekwoon was grateful and appreciated the company; after all, he only missed Hakyeon at night.

He still visited Hongbin every week, despite Wonshik telling him not to- _don’t hurt yourself hyung, Hakyeon wouldn’t want you to torture yourself with memories,_ and Hongbin agreed with him, but he never denied Taekwoon a story when he asked. In a way Taekwoon was jealous of Hongbin, the younger got to spend 4 years right by Hakyeon’s side- be beside him for every thick and thin he went through, to mend to his wounds and to hug him each night. Hongbin told him that; that they would fall asleep each night in each other’s arms, to hold on to themselves and each other, to not let themselves crumble but at the same time Taekwoon was beyond thankful for it, that Hongbin was chosen to be with Hakyeon when he couldn’t be. It was a relief, that Hakyeon had someone familiar and dear by his side when Taekwoon couldn’t be.

When Hongbin had returned, he brought news that Hakyeon was okay and for a while, Hakyeon’s letters came; but it had been a year now that he hadn’t heard a word from his love and Taekwoon, not ready to accept it, accept the possible reason, still wrote to the man every month.

“we will notify you if a casualty occurs” that’s what thy told him every time he asked. He didn’t believe them- the war had escalated beyond what anyone could foretell and a few thousand lives were hardly a matter now. Hakyeon could be dead, and he wouldn’t even know.

It had happened before after all when Jaehwan was called to duty; bright and patriotic, excited and so full of spirit, young and naïve, Taekwoon still remembers the smile in his eyes as he saluted his parents and friends on the day he left, he still remembers the last thing he told them all, that he would make them all proud and come back victorious.

They told them 3 years later that Comrade Lee Jaehwan had died carrying out a stake-out 4 months into his service.

Monsters, they were all monsters

When the letter came, Taekwoon did not want to open it all, afraid, so afraid of what I might say but he opened it anyway, ripped off the seal with shaking hands and trembling lips. It was dated from 4 months ago-

“ _my dearest Taekwoon,_

_I know you're probably mad that only a letter is being delivered to you yet again but as fates have it, I’m still not in a position to come back. Oh, stop frowning; you know it doesn’t suit you, my love…_

_I am well and alive and eating well, although I am stationed at the outpost and it is impossible to make any radio contact from here. It is days sometimes until we even get our orders across, the reception here is terrible! ;)_

_I received your letter from 3 months ago and you mentioned my letters do not reach you as often as I send them, and it is the same to me- they don’t reach me as often as well._

_But I know you are safe and I trust you are well, that’s all I can ask for I there trying times._

_I have news to tell you. I am to be relieved of duty on the 25th of December. I only have one last mission to carry out and then I will come home. although my love, it is a mission of great danger and most before me have failed to complete it. I wish I didn’t need to say this to you, but if I don’t come back if I happen to fail- I want you to move on._

_My love, my Taekwoon, my light in the world; know this that you are my everything. Every night I sleep with you in mind and every morning I wake up to your memories. When times are difficult I think of you and it gives me the strength to move forward; when I feel like I can’t do it anymore I think of returning to you and so I push forward because I know you’d be proud of me._

_My love, it has already been four years in torture for both of us, but I can’t do this to you anymore. Pray for me but if I don’t return, I want you to not mourn me for too long. I want you to live a life free of my chain; I want you to move forward because you deserve it._

_I know I am being discreet and might as well say it outright that it is a low possibility that I may come back but I would like to think that perhaps we can meet again, even if it’s just one I would like to see you again but I know it may not be possible._

_I don’t want you to be sad Taekwoon trust me; I am sad for the both of us enough. Please, do not be sad, you are most beautiful when you smile._

_Live a healthy life, and if you can; I would like you to remember me once in a while. It would be nice if you can move on and be happy but still remember me sometimes._

_It is cruel; I am cruel to do this to you. I’m sorry._

_The last thing I want to say is that I love you Jung Taekwoon, the time we spent together was the most precious time of my life._

_I hope you are happy and healthy._

_Yours forever and always- Hakyeon ._

Hakyeon did come home on the 25th of December, a month after the letter was delivered. He was beautiful as Taekwoon remembered him; his skin unmarred and soft to the touch, eyes peaceful even when closed and lips soft as Taekwoon remembered when he ran a thumb on them.

The army of men that brought Hakyeon and Sanghyuk on their shoulders stayed for a while. One of them, Taekwoon can’t remember who, gave a speech, on Hakyeon’s bravery and courage, and presented him with an award Taekwoon doesn’t remember the name of. They talked about Sanghyuk’s courage and how brave he was when he sacrificed himself to save Hakyeon so he was able to finish the mission.

Taekwoon doesn’t remember when they left, he doesn’t remember what Wonshik was saying holding to his shoulder, head buried in his neck. He doesn’t remember why Hongbin was crying as he held onto the hardwood of Sanghyuk and Hakyeon’s open caskets. He doesn’t remember the cries of their parents; he doesn’t know why his face was wet with tears or why he was sedated. He didn’t care, Hakyeon said he would come home to him and he did. That was all that mattered; Hakyeon was safe now- Taekwoon would make sure of it.

**Author's Note:**

> If I die young bury me in satin.  
> Lay me down on a bed of roses  
> Sink me in the river at dawn  
> Send me away with the words of a love song
> 
> Denialism ;  
> A person's choice to deny reality as a way to avoid a psychologically uncomfortable truth.  
> Denial psychology;  
> Defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem, accident, death, loss or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality.


End file.
